A reoccuring mistake?

As of late I hold my tongue
To prevent words from my lips sprung

Of vehemence for past misuses
By women and men as their mistresses

Hardly coming first in their array
Of sexual experiments cliché

With multiple partners tousled is bed
None with emotional attachment

Except for I, who each time felt dead,
Upon discovering their shenanigans.

For, that’s what is was after all,
Innocent philandering enthralled

With tricks to see exactly how I’d react
Because I kept myself abstract

From partners I’d loved yet so feared
Due to multiple broken hearts unhealed

Scarred, and vowing never to fall again
From my pedestal of numbness,

Yet I could not uphold the refrain,
You pushed it into retrogress.

And now I shrink from myself
Avoiding that emotional delve

Into how you make me feel at times
Hindering the chances of reaching our prime

Believing if I spat the vileness left behind
You’d find me not so refined

As I think you picture me in your mind
A lady with simple notions and a spirit so kind

You say you want to see the violent hate
I have let build up inside,

That I may trust you’ll never deviate
Well, it’s going to be a wild ride.

I’ll scream of a tortured pain I couldn’t resist
Like a sadist, I even used to cut my wrist

I felt like a rollercoaster out of control
Thriving on hate sex and selling my soul

For one last meaningless night
With partners who’d forget me by day light

And call me back in on a whim
Whenever they were lonely

I’d show up decked out and trim
To make them hunger and want me

Never learning my lesson
Just devouring that moment within

Myself, as proof of being needed
As proof that I succeeded

In administering a dose of their own medicine
But I was always the one to take it on the chin

Except with you, which has me confused
Into thinking this is a new game,

A more in-depth and clever rouse,
If so, you’ll win great fame

Since you have me completely fooled,
For wholeheartedly, I am in love with you.

Celebrating a windy day

Sweeping down the lane carelessly and without yield,
Comes the wind, swirling, tumbling, full of blight,
In blue-hued gusts just like Van Gogh’s “Starry Night”,
And driving the clouds on like his “Cypress and Wheatfield”.

The people on the street bend their heads down low,
Trying to protect their vulnerable skin from irritation.
But the wind doesn’t notice and continues to blow,
Bringing objects into levitation.

Newspapers, over turned cups, and wrappers to sweets
Spin round and round, slow dancing with the shoppers,
Bring even more life to the always bustling Main Street,
Overturning the static scene of prim and proper.

Ducking into stores and places to eat as a safe haven,
The refugees gather together emanating a warmth and calm.
And I remain outside standing and watching these cravens,
Sister to the wind and a slave to its balm.

I skip over the debris and frolic past the crammed shops,
Where eyes from the windows reflect chagrin stares.
I return again once I’ve reached the top,
Bringing with me the energetic, fluid air.

It delights in my reverie against convention and class,
My jovial and blithe belief in just being free,
As obvious and perplexing as Van Gogh’s “Clumps of Grass”,
Yet as beautiful as his “Blossoming Almond Tree”.

Some more haikus

Here are some more haikus I wrote in my poetry notebook yesterday. I hope you enjoy them.

1. Why our news is terrible:
RUSH! It's the buzz word
Of journalists on deadline,
Don't miss the story!

2. Going on vacation:
I detest flying,
Turbulence makes me feel sick
And deathly scares me.

3. Tiger Woods:
Why is this such news?
Men omit and cheat daily,
They just don't get caught.

4. Winter break:
Time for sleeping in,
Time for really big breakfasts,
And time for family.

5. Present:
Pink cherry blossoms
On the dining room table
With the note: From, Me.

6. Snow:
I see flakes outside
Erratically falling,
Covering roof-tops.

7. Max:
Shiny eyes, like glass
Understanding all of me,
A woman's best friend.

8. Fiance:
This ring I'm wearing
Reminds me of you each day,
I'm in love again.

At sea

O, I wish I was at sea,
On a boat bobbing peacefully
With the sun soaking my face,
Up-turned for the embrace.

O, I wish I was at sea,
Gliding along so gracefully
Without a worry to get me down,
Without an audience to make a sound.

O, I wish I was at sea,
Creating my life's own destiny,
To read if I wish, or write,
Or gaze at the starts all night.

With no clock ticking on the hour
Reminding me I'm subject to its power,
Deadlines for which I must prepare,
Clogging my schedule that I wish was bare.

O, I wish I was at sea,
Slave only to the waves' mercy
And the moon's mysterious spells,
That controll the water's placidity and swells.

To revert back to ancient instinct
That modern man believes extinct,
To worship goddesses of late
Of love, honor, truth, and fate.

And goddesses of poetry, war, famine, and death,
To my very first adventure to my very last breath.
This is the way life was meant to be,
O, how I wish I was at sea!

You love a hypocrite

I lack any willpower to reject chocolate,
Yet I complain about my weight at least once a day.
I run on the treadmill, determined to complete a 5k,
But smoke on a whim.
I cook light or fat-free when I'm in charge,
And eat fast food without criticism when I'm not.
I drink water everyday to stay thin and healthy,
Yet I down beers or glasses of wine on the weekend.
This hypocrisy broods inside of me,
And I hate it.
This is not who I am, not who I want to be.
This hypocrisy makes you laugh,
And you love it.
This is who I am, even if I don't want to be.

Visiting my grandfather

After you left I promised myself to always make time
To visit you as often as I could and remind you to be proud of me.
But I have failed in my promise and so I understand
If you're not very proud of me at all.

After you left it felt as if my world was crumbling into little pieces
And all I could to do fasten them back together
Was cry sweet tears of nostalgia into my lily linens
To create a temporary adhesive that would glue us together once again.

After you left and the hands of the clock perpetually spun,
Memories stopped being painful and my tears dried in the summer wind.
I fell in love with the man you hit on the head to rouse from a stuperous sleep
When you needed help but just couldn't bring yourself to ask for it.

After you left Dad was never the same and complacently smiled
As life buzzed around him in drunk, concentric circles,
Consistently presenting him with problems that he didn't want to face,
And instead he hid from them by laying on the couch and departing from the world.

After you left Mom had no one to defend her when Dad's words were harsh.
Instead we listened shamefacedly without a word of defense
And she listened stoicly telling herself that this was another one of her duties,
Bottling everything up inside her and setting it aside for when she was finally alone.

After you left the solidity that was our family fractured like a desert floor
And we became travelers tip-toeing over the fissures trying to find our own way out;
Our self-involvement blinding us like the noon sun, its omnipresence inescapable.
And so we continue to dumbly stumble about without you as our shepherd.

After you left I began to wonder if anyone visited you in secret,
Ducking through the wrought iron gates and dejectedly walking the winding path
Looking for where you were laid to rest as was our collectivism,
To speak to you, to ask for divine advice, or to just keep you updated on our lives.

After you left our lives have had extreme highs and extreme lows.
We have laughed and cried, bonded and fought, got together and then went our separate ways,
We've created individual packs which we stick to even on the holidays,
And we forget to include you in those packs, even on the holidays.

After you left I promised myself to always make time
To visit you as often as I could and remind you to be proud of me.
But I have failed in my promise and I have not visited in a long time,
So I understand if you're not very proud of me at all.

The war between procreator and progeny

   You clench your hand around my throat
           And SQUEEZE until my eyes roll.
   R e l e a s i n g your grip before my last breath
                    Can escape,
   Before my soul can rise above you.
Always pulling me down to your level.
   And dragging me along your path towards
       Paranoia   Anxiety   Revenge.
   What will it take for you to set me free?
             I know this question is rhetorical
       Because like a HYENA,
   You would rather E A T your young
                    Than go hungry.
You would rather destroy me to satisfy your own impulses.
    Peace of mind, for whom? You,
        While I am akin to Hamlet
              Only, my madness is U N F E I G N E D.
   For I have decided “’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,”
                            A conscience- coward,
   With eyes averted to sky,
             Full to the brim with HOPE and PRAYER,
For God’s d e c r e e on Judgment Day.
                         But that’s just who I am,
Unorthodox to you, orthodox to morality.

Running

In the morning chill I huff and puff,
My cheeks and lungs burning.
Despite inner pain, I can't get enough,
I wake up each dawn yearning.

To hear my sneakers pound the pavement,
And feel the balmly air rush past my face,
Running has become an enslavement,
That I've have welcomingly embraced.

The fire spreading throughout my frame,
The tingling in my thighs and toes,
And the wheezing without shame,
Helps me think through life's woes.

Breezing past suburban homes set behind trees,
Helps clear my mind of vexing things,
And of all of the people I simply cannot appease,
No matter what my offerings.

On the trail I release my anger to the wind,
And let it zip past my bobbing pony-tail.
Negative emotions no longer have me pinned,
Yet they try to catch up with me, to no avail.

I feel at one with my entire existence,
In this moment I am utterly stunning.
Standing on my own without assistance,
As I begin each day by running.