Visiting my grandfather

After you left I promised myself to always make time
To visit you as often as I could and remind you to be proud of me.
But I have failed in my promise and so I understand
If you're not very proud of me at all.

After you left it felt as if my world was crumbling into little pieces
And all I could to do fasten them back together
Was cry sweet tears of nostalgia into my lily linens
To create a temporary adhesive that would glue us together once again.

After you left and the hands of the clock perpetually spun,
Memories stopped being painful and my tears dried in the summer wind.
I fell in love with the man you hit on the head to rouse from a stuperous sleep
When you needed help but just couldn't bring yourself to ask for it.

After you left Dad was never the same and complacently smiled
As life buzzed around him in drunk, concentric circles,
Consistently presenting him with problems that he didn't want to face,
And instead he hid from them by laying on the couch and departing from the world.

After you left Mom had no one to defend her when Dad's words were harsh.
Instead we listened shamefacedly without a word of defense
And she listened stoicly telling herself that this was another one of her duties,
Bottling everything up inside her and setting it aside for when she was finally alone.

After you left the solidity that was our family fractured like a desert floor
And we became travelers tip-toeing over the fissures trying to find our own way out;
Our self-involvement blinding us like the noon sun, its omnipresence inescapable.
And so we continue to dumbly stumble about without you as our shepherd.

After you left I began to wonder if anyone visited you in secret,
Ducking through the wrought iron gates and dejectedly walking the winding path
Looking for where you were laid to rest as was our collectivism,
To speak to you, to ask for divine advice, or to just keep you updated on our lives.

After you left our lives have had extreme highs and extreme lows.
We have laughed and cried, bonded and fought, got together and then went our separate ways,
We've created individual packs which we stick to even on the holidays,
And we forget to include you in those packs, even on the holidays.

After you left I promised myself to always make time
To visit you as often as I could and remind you to be proud of me.
But I have failed in my promise and I have not visited in a long time,
So I understand if you're not very proud of me at all.