A reoccuring mistake?

As of late I hold my tongue
To prevent words from my lips sprung

Of vehemence for past misuses
By women and men as their mistresses

Hardly coming first in their array
Of sexual experiments cliché

With multiple partners tousled is bed
None with emotional attachment

Except for I, who each time felt dead,
Upon discovering their shenanigans.

For, that’s what is was after all,
Innocent philandering enthralled

With tricks to see exactly how I’d react
Because I kept myself abstract

From partners I’d loved yet so feared
Due to multiple broken hearts unhealed

Scarred, and vowing never to fall again
From my pedestal of numbness,

Yet I could not uphold the refrain,
You pushed it into retrogress.

And now I shrink from myself
Avoiding that emotional delve

Into how you make me feel at times
Hindering the chances of reaching our prime

Believing if I spat the vileness left behind
You’d find me not so refined

As I think you picture me in your mind
A lady with simple notions and a spirit so kind

You say you want to see the violent hate
I have let build up inside,

That I may trust you’ll never deviate
Well, it’s going to be a wild ride.

I’ll scream of a tortured pain I couldn’t resist
Like a sadist, I even used to cut my wrist

I felt like a rollercoaster out of control
Thriving on hate sex and selling my soul

For one last meaningless night
With partners who’d forget me by day light

And call me back in on a whim
Whenever they were lonely

I’d show up decked out and trim
To make them hunger and want me

Never learning my lesson
Just devouring that moment within

Myself, as proof of being needed
As proof that I succeeded

In administering a dose of their own medicine
But I was always the one to take it on the chin

Except with you, which has me confused
Into thinking this is a new game,

A more in-depth and clever rouse,
If so, you’ll win great fame

Since you have me completely fooled,
For wholeheartedly, I am in love with you.